I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize