When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
