people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
