My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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