All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
