I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
