im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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