my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize