god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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