I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
