And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
