Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
