Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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