I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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