I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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