The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
