I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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