Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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