I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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