Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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