I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
