someone threw a dead crab at me
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
