Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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