I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
