Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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