Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I will pee on everything he values.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
