Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
