If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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