no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
