So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
