You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
