I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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