You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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