no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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