paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize