If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
