Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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