he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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