we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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