All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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