woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize