Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
