I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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