Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
