Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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