Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
