I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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