nut hugger
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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