omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize