i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
