Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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