Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
