I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize