You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
