I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
