i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
