I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
