May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
