i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
