I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
