a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
