I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
