In America we eat man semen.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I AM VODKA MAN
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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