Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
