I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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