We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize